What do you get for the dad who has everything (and by that, you mean...they get to call you their child)? Or the dad whose wardrobe hasn't changed much since 1980? Or the dad who has doled out some vague threats to discourage his frivolous offspring from gifting him anything at all?

What the hell should you get for your dad for Father's Day?

It's a difficult question for us to answer, since we don't know the guy. But, thanks to some rigorous field research, we do know a few types of guy. Here's what we'd get for each father-figure varietal.

For the Daring Dresser

Macklemore has leaned hard into fatherhood since his first daughter was born in 2015—he even developed a very dad-appropriate golf habit, and the 1980s stepdad–inspired clothing line to match. Bogey Boys was technically built for golf, but its true purpose is to help wearers stand out, both on and off the fairway. If your dad has ever Googled "baby blue pleated slacks for men," if he's ever so much as expressed regret at shaving his '80s stache, this line is for him.

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For the "Practical Gifts Only" Type

He's making a list and checking it twice. It's a list of all the frivolities you aren't allowed to get him for Father's Day, including but not limited to: mugs (he has one, which is plenty), socks (which should only be purchased in economical bulk packages, preferably at Costco), and accessories of any kind (obvious reasons). Stuck? Take him to a (supremely frivolous!) comedy show. We're not joking! It'll give him some much-needed time to unwind without screwing up his carefully organized life. Just be sure to check his calendar first.

Some upcoming shows in the Seattle area to get you started:

Ron Funches

July 9, Neptune Theatre, $28

Margaret Cho

July 28–30, Tacoma Comedy Club, $25–$40

John Mulaney: From Scratch

August 13, Auburn White River Amphitheatre, $100–$299

 

For the Dad Who Has Everything (and Wants Even More)

On the opposite end of the spectrum from ultra-practical dad, we have dad who cannot stop buying shit—this guy loves his gadgets and gizmos like the children he never had (oh calm down, he didn't mean it like that). In the interest of the planet, your father's storage space, and the love of all that is holy, don't bring a whole extra item into his life. Rather, think about what he already has and frequently uses, and get him an accessory for that thing. For the dad whose only clear spot in his garage is the pathway to his bicycle; for the dad whose cast-iron skillets have names and backstories; for the plant dad who's starting to remind you a little of Seymour Krelborn. You know what to do.

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For the Nerd Intellectual Type

This dad insisted on reading the Odyssey to his kids as a bedtime story (as opposed to one of the many much lighter stories based on the exact same hero's journey premise, which made for some weird conversations when you started elementary school). This dad has a photographic memory of his record collection. This dad skipped Little Einsteins and went right to the source. If you're looking for another way to call your father a nerd (Kindly! Through the universal language of gifts!) consider, if you will, a cerebral subscription service.

Nonfiction Book Subscription, Ada's Technical Books Local

The one-book-a-month nonfiction subscription from 15th Avenue's science-minded bookstore covers more than tech—neuroscience, history, math, and other STEM subjects make an appearance too. $17 per month

Book Cru, Drink Books Local

This natural wine/book shop combo's founder, Kim Kent, combines her master’s in fiction with the oenophilic knowledge of a longtime server to pair a novel with a bottle of natural wine each month. $65 per month

Pairings Box Vinyl Subscription, Turntable Kitchen Local

For multitalented connoisseurs, consider this Seattle-based subscription box containing specialized ingredients and three corresponding recipe cards paired with a seven-inch vinyl with themes like Scandinavian Gathering (caraway seeds, cognac-cured salmon, and Cathedrals). $25 per month

 

For the Practical Joker

This dad has seemingly made it his life's work to ensure his progeny never write without the mental block–zapping power of a shock pen or sit without the comfort of a whoopie cushion. Honor his dedication and broaden his repertoire (seriously, we can't sit anywhere without first checking for a whoopie cushion) with a gift from Wallingford's own haven of ridiculous, groan-worthy gear. Because, honestly, dad? (And maybe this is the year you tell him this?) We wouldn't have it any other way.

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